Is Forgiveness the Only Path to Wholeness?

You've been hurt. Not in the" she forgot my birthday" or "he criticized my cooking in front of his mother" kind of way...but in the "devastating, left your life in shambles" sort of way. Must you forgive in order to regain your life or is there another path to restoring wholeness and finding peace?

There seem to be two schools of thought on this issue. In Psychology Today, Lissa Rankin, MD cites research which demonstrates that, "Every time you think about someone who has wronged you, the amygdala in your lizard brain lights up and activates your “fight-or-flight” response, stimulating your adrenal glands to pump out cortisol and triggering your sympathetic nervous system to go into overdrive. Next thing you know, BOOM. Your heart races, your respiratory rate increases,stomach acid  gets pumped out, and – worst of all – the body’s natural self-repair mechanisms get flipped off, putting you at greater risk of everything from heart disease to cancer."

Even Oprah weighs in that forgiveness is good for your health. http://www.oprah.com/oprahs-lifeclass/How-to-Forgive-Others-Health-Benefits-of-Forgiveness-Fred-Luskin.

But is it the act of forgiveness towards the person who wronged us, that allows us to move on? Or is it coming to terms with our own anger, hate, resentment and disappointment that allows us to heal?

Deborah Schurman-Kauflin, author and  Ph.D. also writes in Psychology Today," Forgiveness comes from within. It is not something that can be forced. Either you can do it or you can’t. If you cannot, then don’t think that you are a bad person or that you failed in some way. In some cases, forgiveness is just not possible. You may learn not to despise the perpetrator, but saying you forgive can be hollow if that is not what you truly feel."

I found Dr. Schurman-Kauflin's words encouraging. I have struggled to forgive a person who was at one point in time, my life partner. Someone, with whom I had planned my "end-game". His betrayal turned my world upside down and I never thought I'd recover. The worst part was that he showed no remorse or ever asked for forgiveness. In his own self-absorption, he never gave any thought to how he had damaged my life. I know I will never forgive his duplicity and I always felt that my inability to forgive, doomed me to never being free from the pain he'd inflicted.

However, as I've worked  through my healing process, I have found other things that give me joy and help me find peace. Sometimes I still feel the anger and resentment rise within me and I combat them with strategies that work for me...positive visualization, creativity and physical exertion. Each individual must find their own path to bringing light back into their life. Dr. Schurman-Kauflin continues, " How you feel is how you feel, and no one can dictate that to you no matter how hard he or she tries. Your heart is your own. Your spirit is your own. Your growth is your own."

Holding on to the anger and pain and continuing to see yourself as the victim will impede your road to recovery. However, choosing not to forgive someone who's hurt you is not a personality flaw. It is simply a choice you've made based on what is in your heart...Learning, growing and healing are what's important...If forgiving is not part of that process, so be it!

Live well!