Valentine's Day ...Wine, Sex and...Goat Sacrifice?

Cupids, paper hearts, candy and roses...ahh...but all this love and romance is truly a modern phenomenon. Prior to the introduction of the Valentine's Day greeting card by Hallmark in 1913, the holiday was a bit less romance and quite a bit more, hmm...fertility ritual.

Rose Garden, Schonbrunn Palace - Austria

Let's stroll back in time to those merrymakers of old, the Romans. February 13th to the 15th, heralded the feast of Lupercalia. The men got drunk and naked, then sacrificed a goat and a dog. Young woman lined up to be whipped with the hides of the animals that the men had just slain to ensure their fertility. What fun!

The festivities also included a matchmaking lottery, in which young men drew the names of women from a jar. The couple would then  "coupled up" for the duration of the festival...and today's college kids thought they invented hooking up!

Who was this Saint Valentine? The answer is a bit muddled. Emperor Claudius II executed two men — both named Valentine — on February 14th, but in different years during the third century. The Catholic Church memorialized their martyrdom with the celebration of St. Valentine's Day. The most romantic of the myths surrounding Valentine martyrdom  is that he defied Claudius by helping Christians escape from Roman prisons. The legend goes that when  he became a prisoner, Valentine sent the first "valentine" greeting  to a young girl who visited him during his confinement. Before his death, it is alleged that he wrote her a letter signed "From your Valentine," an expression that is still in use today.

We can thank the English poets of the Middle Ages for softening and sweetening the romance of the day, and Valentines greetings gained popularity in Europe in the 1400's. The oldest known valentine still in existence today was a poem written in 1415 by Charles, Duke of Orleans, to his wife while he was imprisoned in the Tower of London following his capture at the Battle of Agincourt.

According to the Greeting Card Association, nearly 2 billion Valentines greeting cards are exchanged today, making it the second biggest card exchange holiday after Christmas! Market research firm IBIS World estimates Valentine's Day sales will near $20 billion this year! We've come a long way since those inebriated Romans first hooked up!

So whether you are celebrating with your mate, significant other, kids and other family members or embracing your singlehood with friends at a Single Awareness Day celebration, have fun "sharing the love" and just be glad you weren't one of those single ladies back in ancient Rome!

Be Well~

FEAR!

One of the most primal of emotions, fear can often serve to keep us alert to dangers, keep us wary and alive. But what happens when fear disrupts out lives, stagnates us and limits what we are willing to try.

Aztec Warrior god statue at the Prague Zoo

For many of us a fear of failure will immobilize us and keep us from taking the risks that can lead to fuller and more productive, happier lives. Reward requires risks, but there are steps you can take to overcome your fears.

Consider the cost of missed opportunities. If you always "play it safe" it is unlikely you will gain anything other than the most basic rewards. Recent studies show that most people's regrets are not something that they did, but some they failed to do!

The unknown is usually our biggest generator of fear. When you are uninformed, potential consequences become overblown. Research every possible outcome and weigh the benefits of success against the risk of failure. Knowledge will help you make logical decisions and put the risk factors in perspective.

Ask, "What is the worse that can happen?" Realistically looking at the worst case scenario can help you decide if the worst possible outcome is truly dire enough to keep you at the status quo indefinitely.

Have a Plan B. Managing risks effectively and reducing the consequences of failure can often be enhanced by having a back up plan and a solid "what if" strategy to call upon.

Consider the benefits of failure. Malcolm Forbes said, "Failure is success if we learn from it." Every failure provides experience and an opportunity to grow.

Get started. The first step is the hardest, but once a plan is set in motion, fear tends to recede; you are gaining knowledge and experience which are two important components of a successful enterprise.

Limit your options. Hernando Cortez, when conquering the Aztecs of the Yucatan Peninsula ordered his sailors to burn their ships leaving them no option for retreat. This might be translated into the current catch phrase "Go BIG or go home" Force yourself to commit and leave your fear behind.

Face your fears and realistically pick apart what is holding you back from following your dreams...then follow them!

Fortune favors the audacious. ~ Desiderius Eramus

Be Well!

Why Do I Do That?

Do you ever wonder why you keep making the same bad decisions? Why do certain behaviors cause you irrational fear? Why are you finding it so difficult to move forward in your relationship, your career, your life? 

Pebbles in the Stream

Yesterday I talked about choices, and how every decision we do or do not make shapes who we are today.  The decisions that were made for us by our parents and the environments we were exposed to as children collectively shaped us. Understanding why we act or react in a certain way or make the choices we do can help us make changes which will enhance our lives and let us see more clearly why we do the things we do!

I always wondered why I was so terrified of confrontation. All someone had to do was raise their voice or make a threatening gesture and suddenly I felt like a 5-year old ready to flee and hide under the bed. When put in these situations as an adult, I rarely challenged the antagonist or took up the argument. I did whatever I needed to do to escape the situation. These were not life threatening scenarios, but usually challenges to my ideas or opinions. I allowed myself to be taken advantage of and bullied. 

While taking with a therapist I mentioned that I was angry that I was unable to stand my ground in these situations and I described what I felt, that I felt helpless and child-like. I discovered that this reaction was likely a direct response to my father's behavior. He had a terrible temper and although he never physically hurt me, his threatening presence and loud voice frightened me and as an adult those unpleasant childhood feelings resurfaced when faced with an aggressive and loud argument. I couldn't stand up for myself and retreated or changed my opinion to resolve and calm the circumstances.

An interesting book entitled Why do I Do That?  by Joseph Burgo, PhD addresses how we can recognize these defense mechanisms  and help readers :...improve their relationships, manage their emotional lives more effectively and develop authentic self-esteem that will last."

Understanding the reasons why we and others in our lives, behave in certain ways and make the decisions we do, can help us, make better choices as we continue along our journey.

Be Well!

You Can't Step Into the Same River Twice...

Some days I feel a bit like Pocahontas...not the historical Native American but rather the Disney princess who must choose her path in life. I only wish I had a kindly old Grandmother Willow to dole out sage advice! 

The Potomac River at Harper's Ferry

Every day we make choices, some are of little consequence...decaf or regular...black shoes or navy...but many choices we make will impact our direction in life...who we choose as friends and mates, our schools, our careers.

When we are young, we see a far off horizon, a world filled with seemingly endless possibilities, but each choice we make, means we leave another choice behind that cannot be revisited. We exponentially decrease our options every time we choose.

 I envision our life's journey as beginning by stepping onto a vast open landscape. As we walk, every path is open to us, but too soon the landscape changes, trees and hills block our view, rivers and ravines force us to change and alter our path until, as we approach the end of our journey, we find that we have few choices left to make, all the choices we have made have brought us to this very spot, our options are limited.

This is not to say we are "stuck" but as the number of options decrease; we cannot, for instance, decide in our 50's to become an Olympic high jumper, we must choose even more wisely!

So why does this make me feel like Pocahontas? Because I still want to see, "What's around the riverbend..."  I've never taken the smoothest  or safest course, but as I've matured I wonder how much risk can I still take. When does it become impractical to continue following  your dreams? When should you settle and be safe? Where is the tipping point? This is one of life's grand mysteries, different for each person, and no Grandmother Willow can give you the right answer, other than follow your heart!

Own your choices, make them because they are the best choices for you, and good or bad, realize that each choice and outcome shape you into who you are, today.

“Today is your day, your mountain is waiting. So get on your way.” - Dr. Seuss

Be Well!

What Are You Waiting For??

Waiting...whether it's for Christmas when we are five or an answer to an important work proposal when we are thirty five, few of us are very good at waiting. We live in a fast paced world where information is constantly at our fingertips and instant gratification is the norm.

So how can we learn to wait for what we want and to be patient . The proverb says, "Good things happen to those who wait." What steps can we take to make sure those good things happen to us?

1. Become aware of when you are impatient, what triggers make you feel irritated, jittery or out of control. Learning to recognize what causes you to become impatient is the first step in controlling those impulses.

2. Take a cue from meditation and yoga. Take some deep cleansing breaths to clear your mind and focus on what's causing your impatience.

3. If you can take a break from what is causing you to become inpatient. Step out of the line, pull out of the traffic. This can help you gain perspective.

4. Plan in extra time when you think you may be headed towards a situation that is likely to make you impatient.

5. Accept that some things are just out of our control and no amount of yelling or foot stamping is going to speed up the process.

6. Try to find humor in a frustrating situation. Laughter is sometimes the best medicine.

7. Instant gratification leads to short lived enjoyment as we quickly desire the next new thing.

Learning to wait, will increase the joy you will experience when the object of your waiting comes to past.

Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "Patience and fortitude conquer all things." 

Slow down and enjoy the journey!

Be Well!

Goals, Expectations and Intentions

Goals...for most of our lives we've been told how important clear and measurable goals are to setting out direction in life. But some new research indicates that perhaps we've become so focused on what we will accomplish in the future that we've missed out on living our lives today!

Carl Richards, author of The Behavior Gap, writes that perhaps it is time to give up on formulating long term goals and take an approach which takes into account the kind of life we want to live right now. "Letting go of outcome-based goals can bring us freedom.” Richards has five tips to helping us live more in the now and less in the future.


1. Letting go of expectations. While goals are helpful to keep us focused, turning them into grandiose, unrealized expectations will undoubtedly lead to disappointment.

2. Letting go of outcomes. By concentrating on outcomes, we fail to enjoy the pathway to meeting our goals and become myopic about achievement alone. If we fail to achieve what we set out to do, we only focus on our failure, instead of what we learned, experienced and enjoyed along the way. Focus on your intent instead of the outcome.

3. Letting go of worry. Worrying has never solved a single problem, it merely creates anxiety and frustration. Instead of worrying about a problem, look for ways to solve it, be proactive instead of reactive if it appears a goal will not be met. Failure to meet a goal doesn't mean it must be abandoned, but it probably should be re-evaluated.

4. Letting go of measuring. Humans are competitive and at the same time,  we’re all looking for happiness. But happiness really can't be measured. So we end up measuring other things, like money and possessions, but acquisition rarely brings lasting happiness. So stop taking "inventory" of your happiness and just enjoy it!

5. Letting go of mindless tracking. Just like measuring and comparing yourself to others, keeping endless Excel spread sheets and notes and ledgers to track the progress you are making towards completing a goal can stifle all the enjoyment you will experience while heading towards your intention.Working towards a goal will seldom be linear, there will be peaks, valleys progress and regression. If you're prepared for a curving path you will be less concerned about the inevitable stops and starts along the way.

Richards advises you “don’t want to confuse the process with the goal….Goals can be a great things. We just need to do a better job making sure they don’t turn into expectations that leave us disappointed and unhappy.”

Be Well!

Why are We Friends?

Friends...they are with us at our brightest moments and in our darkest hours. They bring a dimension to our lives that cannot be filled by relatives, colleagues or lovers.

The need for friendship begins almost when our lives do. As soon as we are old enough to recognize the world outside ourselves, our parents and our siblings, our innate needs for social interaction kicks in...what drives this instinct to build a circle of friends and why do we become fast friends with some people, but stay acquaintances with others? Why do other individuals become adversaries?

Humans are a social species, Perhaps this developed as part of the evolutionary process. We had large brains, but rather inferior bodies compares to the other creatures we lived among which considered us prey. Our offspring took considerably longer to mature than other species. A  cooperative effort was essential to find food and provide protection. Family groups banded together to form societies and staying alive became a bit easier, and yet, we still found a need to belong.

Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, places friendship on the third level, right after physiological needs and safety needs. According to Maslow this need is so ingrained, that it may overcome the even our most basic needs especially in childhood.

So what factors come into play when we choose our friends?

The first factor is proximity.  We tend to choose friends from a pool of convenient individuals. After all we are looking for people to interact with, the closer they are to us physically, the more likely we are to interact.

Next we tend to gravitate towards people who share our opinions and interests. Sharing passions and being like thinking gives a basis to the friendship, a sense of being of the same "tribe".

We also tend to be interested in people who are in similar life or career stages. Again, the feeling of a common experience fuels friendship.

It is also true however, that sometimes we are friends with someone who is nothing like us! Perhaps they are adventurous  and we are quite shy. Or we have different political or religious leanings. These friends help us to explore those qualities that we may not have but wish we did or to discover cultural differences to which we'd never been exposed!

Regardless of how or why we choose our friends, they are essential to both our health and happiness.  Much research points to an active and engaged social circle a an indicator of longevity  and good health. 

In a time when collecting "friends" on social media has become something of a competitive game, let's look at those flesh and blood friends who know us, sustain us and bring joy into our lives.

Making and nurturing friendships adds fun, fulfillment and health to our lives, regardless as to how or why we have chosen them!

Be Well!

How I Regained My Sanity by Jumping Off the Bridge

An odd title you might think...but for me, a true story...metaphorically.  Last year I had reached a point in my life that was making me crazy...a difficult breakup, an illness, a loss of interest in my career and a changing family dynamic over which I had no influence or control. I decided it was time to make a very big change, so I sold my house,  my furnishings and my car, stored what was left and headed to Europe. It was a decision that changed my life and my outlook. Although it did not go completely according to plan, the experience helped me gain clarity and insight into the kind of life I wanted to live.

The Széchenyi Chain Bridge - Budapest, Hungary

There comes a point in everyone's life...or maybe three or four...when we have come to the precipice and much like Indiana Jones in The Last Crusade, we must take a leap of faith if we are to finish our mission or continue on our journey. But fear will sometimes hold us back. We cannot suspend our disbelief that we will not  fail long enough to make the leap and so we stay stuck...in the wrong place, the wrong job, the wrong relationship.

It is far easier to stay in place, than to rock the boat...and safer as well, only someone who risks rocking the boat might fall into the ocean!

So, suppose we want to take that leap, but  our fears are holding us back. What can we do to face our fears and overcome them?

1.  Name your fear. Are you staying in a bad relationship because you are afraid of being alone? Are you not expressing your opinions at work, because you're afraid of being fired. Knowing what it is that you fear is the first step in overcoming that fear.

2. Understand the risks of your fears. Are you afraid of flying because you think the plane will crash? Look up the statistics. You'll find flying is safer than driving a car. Afraid to try a new exercise class because you don't think you'll be able to do it? Observe a class and see that all shapes and sizes of people are participating.

3. Apply the "What's the worst that could happen?" line of thought. We often exaggerate our fears to have catastrophic outcomes, but they rarely do. If you approach a new colleague at work and start a conversation, the worse outcome might be that they snub you. So what! They lost an opportunity to make a new friend. 

4. Imagine yourself overcoming your fear. Positive visualization really does work! Imagine yourself skiing down the trail; you'll be more likely to be successful when you try it.

5. Remember every opportunity to grow requires some risk and the sense of accomplishment you will gain by facing your fears and taking that leap of faith, will serve you well whether or not the outcome is what you hoped it would be.

6. "Failures" are opportunities too! Suppose you've taken the leap and failed...the business you started didn't succeed, the woman you asked out, said no, you didn't pass the course you took this semester. Failures are an inevitable part of life and if you learn from them and see them as positive opportunities for growth, you are more likely to succeed the next time.

“There is only one thing that makes a dream impossible to achieve: the fear of failure.”
― Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist

Start with small steps, but start! The path to a diverse, exciting life starts with understanding our fears. In no time at all you will be ready to progress from tiny steps to a leap!

Be Well!

The End of Month One

Today is the last day of January and the completion of one month of blog writing. It has been both a commitment and a spiritual practice to write something everyday, I hope to continue finding interesting topics and observations to inform you and entertain you. Please email me with comments and suggestions and please consider following me on Google+  or sign up for email delivery or subscribe. So join me with your first cup of morning coffee or before you go to sleep at night. I'm looking forward to hearing from many friends from around the world!

Be Well!

To Sleep, Perchance to Dream...Shakespeare

Tossing and turning...light on...light off...open the shade...close the window....ARGH!!!

It doesn't matter what is keeping you awake; not getting enough sleep can lead to some serious health issues. Did you know your brain actually shrinks when you are chronically sleep deprived? Your blood pressure goes up, your immune system is compromised and you're more likely to be involved in accidents.  You are also more liable to be overweight and one study showed that frequent insomnia can even shorten your life! So with all this at stake, what can you do to get a good night's sleep on a regular basis.

A third of the population occasionally suffers from insomnia, but for one in ten, not getting enough sleep is a chronic problem. Americans spend more than $4 billion dollars a year on sleep medications!

 Full Wolf Moon Rising over the Potomac River - Leesburg, VA

Before you surrender to medication, try some of the simple suggestions recommended by US News and World Report has for getting some shut-eye!

Start with good sleep time habits such as keeping regular sleeping and waking times,  and make the environment of the room favorable for sleep - dark, cool and quiet.

Develop  a "getting ready for  bed ritual" just like you may have done as a child. Anything non stimulating and comforting...a warm bath, some herbal tea, reading some poetry, listening to relaxing music.

Avoid alcohol as it disrupts sleep and can have lasting effects of fatigue into the next day. Small amounts of alcohol can actually have a stimulating effect on the body.

Create a break between waking time and sleeping time. At least 30 minutes before you want to go to sleep, stop working, turn off the computer, pack the paperwork back in the briefcase. Signal to your brain that the workday is over and don't think about it until morning.

If you are having trouble drifting off, try to not worry about the consequences of your inability to sleep. Staring at the clock and prophesying about how terrible your day will be if you don't get to sleep will only make the situation worse. Try some deep cleansing breathes and relaxation techniques to calm your noisy mind. Or try a bit of white noise...there's an app for that! My favorite is Sleep Pillow, available for both the IPhone and Android.

If you are chronically not falling asleep, perhaps you need to add more active exercise to your life. Exercising before bedtime is not a good idea as you will be too stimulated to sleep. But a brisk morning walk or a late afternoon workout at the gym can help you burn off some of the energy that's keeping you up at night.

For many people implementing some of these ideas will help them get to sleep more quickly and experience a refreshing night's sleep. If you find your insomnia isn't improving and is affecting you waking life, consider talking with a sleep specialist who can help find the underlying causes of your sleeplessness and help correct behaviors which may be interfering with your rest.  Sweet Dreams!

Be well!